Humans are a damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of people. Our eyes are bigger than our mouths. We want money, happiness and love, but our appreciation of the reality of possessing these things often leaves us lacking contentment.

But in truth, you’re lucky to be alive now, something most people almost certainly don’t appreciate fully – at least the majority of the time.

If you’re reading this, then chances are you’re in a fortunate situation in today’s world. You’re likely not living in an impoverished region that still lacks proper medical care, clean running water, and electricity. Even more-so, being alive at this point in time in history means you’re likely going to live longer due to advanced health care (although ironically, you’re probably going to live fatter); you’re going to have a greater access to knowledge than any single person a century ago; and you’re going to generally have freedom to perform an avalanche of jobs, depending on your preference. Dating-wise, in today’s secular society (at least as compared to societies of the past), you’ll also have more freedom on the date-and-mate game.

Choice Strain Stems from Evolution

The irony of being human is that we’re a jumbled circuitry of conflicting ideas. Blame evolution. When your consciousness evolved, which Daniel Kahneman – author of the excellent psychology book Thinking Fast and Slow – would have called “System 2,” it began to override your subconscious (System 1) in many circumstances, or at the very least, conflict with it through moderation. People feel like their system 2 is in control, when in reality, you’re subconscious system – the system that controls breathing, the majority of your moods, and what psychologist are coming to find out, much of your decision making – still controls the majority of your life.

Am I losing you in this consciousness mumbo-jumbo yet? The point to express in the consciousness discussion is that subconsciousness is the powerhouse in our brains, the main decision-maker (although our consciousness often takes credit for it, something eloquently written about in David Eagleman’s book Incognito). Subconsciousness also lives and expresses itself in heuristics – it’s what causes you to cast immediate judgment on people, make snap decisions, and gives you an overall feeling of whether you like someone or not. It also doesn’t deal well with large numbers. Now, that’s not to say that heuristics don’t have their place, we’d never have the energy storage to fund a system that didn’t use an energy-efficient subconscious.

Marketers long ago realized this conundrum: give someone a couple of choices and they’re far happier than if they have no choices, which would otherwise limit the choice to one product. Common logic (System 2) dictates that naturally, the more choices you give, the happier the customer will be.  However, something very odd happens here. Instead of buyers swarming due to the increase in variety, more choices instead causes a drop in sales.

The reason?

Strain and stress from the mental exertion culminating in a more negative mood. System 1 isn’t designed to produce a “gut” feeling for more than a couple of objects. This means that System 2 automatically kicks into gear to solve the problem. System 2 requires energy and creates conscious attention, something also associated with more stress and a higher likelihood for a negative mood. Goodbye sales.

Is This Applicable to My Dating Life?

Daters can take several lessons from this seemingly trivial process.

Most obvious: never make your date choose anything! – especially in regards to situations that might bombard the person with choices.

On top of this reasoning, here’s another backup stipulation – women desire men to be “choosers.” This doesn’t mean they want you blurting out their order for dinner to the waiter (although that’s a fantastic way to measure your date’s sense of humor), nor that they necessarily want you to make the majority of the decisions. It merely means that they want a man that has the ability to make decisions.

Indecision relates to weakness (as judged by System 1!) and weakness is an unattractive trait; after all, how can a weak male survive in the wild filled with testosterone galore created by male-male competition?

But, you say, we don’t live on the Savannah plains anymore, nor in the forests and jungles. Correct, but our brains are still hard-wired to believe we are – at least in terms of your System 1.

Perhaps someday, several generations from now, the minimal constraints involved in natural selection in today’s relatively safe world will create fewer requirements from the opposite sex, but until then – pretend you’re a warrior in the jungle.